This is actually a letter to another friend. You know me and my letters. Can't resist.
How dare you ask me to stop thinking too much?
I've begged you to stop messing up over and over again.
I've given you unlimited chances. A fault on my part.
I've tried to understand. I don't come first anymore.
But this time you pushed me to the limit.
How dare you ask me to stop thinking too much.
I wish i could want to apologise for the way i am.
I wish i could just stop wanting you to change back
I wish i could understand why i still wait in hope
I wish I could understand why you still come back to stamp down these hopes
You want me to stop thinking a lot.
You want me to stop thinking about how you used me that one time
You want me to stop thinking about how that made you seem like them
You want me to stop thinking about the knife that is being twisted around my head
Although it may seem this way
I'm not in love with you
I've never been
Yet you read the wrong message from the words I tried to SCREAM
Yet the words fell on your ears like whispers that you never heard
You misread the tears that fell for a damsel in distress
Yet if that had been the case
You never and will never come to my rescue
You want me stop thinking too much.
If that's the case.
Get the hell out of my head.
Sunday 24 April 2011
Friday 22 April 2011
Sunday 3 April 2011
Thought 20: Patience vs What Else
"I don't know what it is about me that kinda chases people away. Everyone says imma nice guy but yet they don't seem to ever wanna stay. Empty words that fall on deaf ears cos I've heard it all before, skip the bull**** flex and just tell me the effing score. Say what's on your mind rather than beating the bush as if to find some long forgotten treasure too huge to measure but worth enough to cause your very large scale procrastination. Suffocation is the outcome. Of my thoughts, feelings, behaviour.
The thing is, the choice here isn't clear cut. Stop waiting and you may have lost something spesh but waiting around seemingly without progress jus makes you feel like a d***head. Its like that loading bar is at a standstill., buffering indefinitely like its connected through Sky broadband.All I need is patience. Or is it? Patience, patience is overrated. It can drive you insane. Being patient is like being tied down with chains, growing pains and emotional plane crashes, waiting to be saved, to be released, hoping this seeming infinite standstill of time will cease.
What makes it worse is the nature of what you're waiting for. The effects of patience varies, waiting for the toilet is a minor and doesn't require much emotional power. Unless you have a weak bladder, in which case you better find a rope or ladder and get into that bathroom. Wating for a heart to transplant into you in order for you to survive, now that requires emotional strength, not to mention the length, of time for something so delicate to fall through. One of the top emotional waits though would be waiting for that one word answer from that one special person. That yes or no, yes i'll have your kids, yes i'll marry you, yes i'll move in with you. Yes i'll be your girlfriend.... Boy thats a killer.
Tbh though i don't think patience plays a part here. Its simply about your emotion, measure of worth. Are your emotions as big and strong as the oceans or as thin and volatile as lotion? How long can it help you hold out for? Slow motion, also known as bullet time, is what occurs when you're being patient. Every second, is like 10 minutes have gone by.
I'm talking too much. The moral of the story is, don't wait forever. No one is worth that. And I don't recommend you test that theory out cos there are no second chances. "
By Chiedozie Ekeoma
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patience...
What is it about it that makes want to know, to be in the know.?
What is it about waiting that we just cant grasp?
It mixes with our emotions. Plays with nerves.
Is it the 21st century notion that everything must be instant
That we forget that there are things that are worth waiting for.
What do you loose when you wait.
Wait for that anticipated answer.
Yes.
No.
Is it the hope that it is the answer that we hope for
That we want it so eagerly
That we forget. It might disappoint us.
But then again.
Why cant we know what we want to know now.
Why cant people tell you answers as soon as you ask the question.
Because what is there to think about
Its ether yes or no.
Patience...who has the time to have it?
JustPreen(c)
Thought 19: A letter To a Friend
**Warning: Very personal indeed**
I don't know what possessed me to do this but I feel its the only way I can get things of my chest.
I'm done.
I'm done listening to your lies.
I'm done trying to be the best friend I can be to you.
All for nothing.
I get that you have a lot on your plate.
I have never ever disregarded that...
But I am sick and tired of trying to understand what exactly makes you act the way you do.
To the point where I don't know who you are anymore...
I don't think you have ever understood just how much you actually hurt not only me but others around you. Yet it doesn't seem to actually have any effect on you.
Don't get me wrong. I don't hate you. I never will. You are not a bad person. You are one of the most kind people that I know, always thinking of other before yourself. Yet the big major issue: Boys ?!
I hate that your situation with boys seem to come in between us...as if that's all being friends with you is about.
I don't actually want to go on about this. I'm done with you and your guys...I'll never understand why you can't just let guys really like you without you feeling like you have to be in a relationship with any of them. When will you give yourself a chance to be yourself without belonging to anyone else? But hey, that's you...not me.
Maybe its the desire to understand people that has kept me near you. Maybe I'm just a fool. Anyone who has been through most of what myself and others have been through with you, would have at least hated you or something. But I can never and will never bring myself to do that. Its not my point. And will never be.
But all I really want to say is that, you won't see me making any effort anymore to catch up on your life. I'm not a drama-seeking person, as interesting as life can be with drama...I don't wish to create more drama..because that's what I'd end up doing. Just like I talked to your ex..I'd end up wanting to do all that...and looking like a fool when you still go back to all your exes...
I guess we will always be friends that had great memories with one and who knows, maybe one day we might be the best of friends again. Maybe one day, I'll trust you again.
It feels like I'm saying I don't want to be friends you but all it is is...next time you want someone to talk to...even though it is already like this...just know I can't be there for you. I want to be...but I can't do it. And don't think its easy for me to do this. I feel to stop myself from even sending this to you...but I need to let go of you..I've held on too long for a perfect friendship that not only died a long time ago..but actually isn't perfect at all. Sometimes I feel like its also because you and **** are cousins that I still feel that I have to be close to you.
But no. I know you feel that **** also plays around with guys just as much. No point denying it. Its what I'm surrounded with. Maybe that's the way girls do these days...what would I know after all...
But the difference is, she doesn't let it affect our friendship...in fact I'm barely involved in what goes on with her relationship with boys...to the extent where I feel involved if anything bad happens between them. Whether she tells other people instead...I'm fine with that. But with you...you can't keep things that happen to you to yourself...not in a bad way but because it affects you in such a way that everyone gets involved...if that makes sense.
Please don't think by using *** as an example, I'm comparing whose a better friend. This triangle thing, I'll never understand. You guys are family. You have a bond, I cannot and DO NOT wish to break. I'm friends with both of you for different reasons...and I don't like feeling as if I have to explain why I'm close to either of you.
I hate the feeling that after reading this, I've exposed feelings that were best kept hidden. That I should leave things the way the are...this is how I lose people after all...I tell them how I feel and they bail...maybe I should stop doing it. But what am I supposed to do with all these feelings inside me...bubbling inside of me. Talk to other people about it? I doubt you'd like me saying any of these things to other people...I wouldn't either.
So I'm sorry if I hurt you so much that you wish to never speak to me again. I would understand. People leave in my life all the time. Its a habit I can't break. But I don't know what else to say you to wake you up from this life you are creating for yourself. I can't 'fix' you. And that's a problem cause you know I'm a fixer. And obsessed one I guess. I know you can't fix everything, I'm not naïve. But I have no idea what else to do or say expect everything written here.
Yet again.
I'm sorry.
Love you always.
I don't know what possessed me to do this but I feel its the only way I can get things of my chest.
I'm done.
I'm done listening to your lies.
I'm done trying to be the best friend I can be to you.
All for nothing.
I get that you have a lot on your plate.
I have never ever disregarded that...
But I am sick and tired of trying to understand what exactly makes you act the way you do.
To the point where I don't know who you are anymore...
I don't think you have ever understood just how much you actually hurt not only me but others around you. Yet it doesn't seem to actually have any effect on you.
Don't get me wrong. I don't hate you. I never will. You are not a bad person. You are one of the most kind people that I know, always thinking of other before yourself. Yet the big major issue: Boys ?!
I hate that your situation with boys seem to come in between us...as if that's all being friends with you is about.
I don't actually want to go on about this. I'm done with you and your guys...I'll never understand why you can't just let guys really like you without you feeling like you have to be in a relationship with any of them. When will you give yourself a chance to be yourself without belonging to anyone else? But hey, that's you...not me.
Maybe its the desire to understand people that has kept me near you. Maybe I'm just a fool. Anyone who has been through most of what myself and others have been through with you, would have at least hated you or something. But I can never and will never bring myself to do that. Its not my point. And will never be.
But all I really want to say is that, you won't see me making any effort anymore to catch up on your life. I'm not a drama-seeking person, as interesting as life can be with drama...I don't wish to create more drama..because that's what I'd end up doing. Just like I talked to your ex..I'd end up wanting to do all that...and looking like a fool when you still go back to all your exes...
I guess we will always be friends that had great memories with one and who knows, maybe one day we might be the best of friends again. Maybe one day, I'll trust you again.
It feels like I'm saying I don't want to be friends you but all it is is...next time you want someone to talk to...even though it is already like this...just know I can't be there for you. I want to be...but I can't do it. And don't think its easy for me to do this. I feel to stop myself from even sending this to you...but I need to let go of you..I've held on too long for a perfect friendship that not only died a long time ago..but actually isn't perfect at all. Sometimes I feel like its also because you and **** are cousins that I still feel that I have to be close to you.
But no. I know you feel that **** also plays around with guys just as much. No point denying it. Its what I'm surrounded with. Maybe that's the way girls do these days...what would I know after all...
But the difference is, she doesn't let it affect our friendship...in fact I'm barely involved in what goes on with her relationship with boys...to the extent where I feel involved if anything bad happens between them. Whether she tells other people instead...I'm fine with that. But with you...you can't keep things that happen to you to yourself...not in a bad way but because it affects you in such a way that everyone gets involved...if that makes sense.
Please don't think by using *** as an example, I'm comparing whose a better friend. This triangle thing, I'll never understand. You guys are family. You have a bond, I cannot and DO NOT wish to break. I'm friends with both of you for different reasons...and I don't like feeling as if I have to explain why I'm close to either of you.
I hate the feeling that after reading this, I've exposed feelings that were best kept hidden. That I should leave things the way the are...this is how I lose people after all...I tell them how I feel and they bail...maybe I should stop doing it. But what am I supposed to do with all these feelings inside me...bubbling inside of me. Talk to other people about it? I doubt you'd like me saying any of these things to other people...I wouldn't either.
So I'm sorry if I hurt you so much that you wish to never speak to me again. I would understand. People leave in my life all the time. Its a habit I can't break. But I don't know what else to say you to wake you up from this life you are creating for yourself. I can't 'fix' you. And that's a problem cause you know I'm a fixer. And obsessed one I guess. I know you can't fix everything, I'm not naïve. But I have no idea what else to do or say expect everything written here.
Yet again.
I'm sorry.
Love you always.
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