Thought 12: Expectations, Expectations...

I've tried not to. Really I have. I've tried to think that people always let you down, it doesn't matter whether you prepare yourself for it or you don't. There's always going to be someone that let's you down. There's always going to people that doe not live up to your expectations...its the way life is, right ?

Why can't people simply do exactly what their current occupation in your life, be it friendship or otherwise...if you are a friend, be a friend...at all times...if you a husband or wife...be that, all times!

But that is just wishful wishing isn't it? Its what a perfect world, if there is such a place would be, right?

Because at the end of the day, you yourself have expectations that other people wish you to meet. And many times you fail. I fail. We all fail. Does that mean we give up on expecting things. Does that mean we live our lives expecting to be let down all the time. Or do we welcome the hurt and pain, when we get disappointed...when people don't live up to standards...
Or do we set expectations that are too much for one to live up to...do we consider what it means to living up to someones expectations...

Its a puzzling thing...
is there a solution?...
is there a need for a solution?...
is it one of those things that happen is life and you have to accept..but don't expect?

Is it even important ?

Though 11: Moving on doesn't mean forgetting

Sometimes I just wish everything stayed the same. I mean I don't mind change, change is good. Well sometimes. But I always feel like what you are used to should like stay the same kind of thing. Like when you move to a new place. Meet new people. Nice people. I always feel like why can't all my old friends meet my new friends and then I wouldn't feel like I am replacing people.

Ok that's all very confusing I know.
But you see, I've just moved somewhere very new. Very different lifestyle. Scary lifestyle. By myself for the first time. Without mum. Or dad. Or anyone familiar. Not even an annoying little borther or sister. I have never felt so 'alone in a room full of people' kindah thing like I am now.
I am with my girl who I honestly love to bits, but she doesnt know me like people back at home do.
I know there is a time that you have to move on, start afresh...I mean I'm the queen of fresh starts, everytime everything goes wrong, I'm always like "I'm going to start afresh"..but this time..its real...its my life now...its in my hands..
My friends...I feel like I'm neglecting them and they me...not intended I'm sure but that's the way it is.. yeah I know, I have new friends, I am in a new place...I should be happy...this is my sort of situation...

Yet I can't help but feel like this..like everyone is already a distant memory..as if they were in another time, and not in this lifetime.
I hate it. I really do.
I always want people to know that I care about them. Always.
But I feel like that is about to change..
I feel like a whole new life is about to start.
A whole new me.
I should be excited.
But I'm not.
I don't want to forget people.
It's just not me.

Thought 10: Finding Happiness Just As I Am :)

Okay.
I refuse to write anymore sad thoughts.
I refuse to put myself down.
I refuse to not love myself.
I refuse to keep rejecting.

For those who have been reading my slightly depressing thoughts. You will be happy to know, I've realised what l have been doing to myself. No I'm not going to be permanently writing happy thoughts, but just bringing the positiveness out of my negative thoughts.

A good friend of mine, Leigh-Anne when reading her blog, opened my eyes slightly to what negative thoughts I have been putting in my mind, then now passing them on to my readers(if any haha).

But then a person I never EVER EVER.......
expect to talk in such a deep level about love which I honestly believed it does not exist......

....no I did not fall in love with him...

...no I still stand firm on my belief...

But yes, this guy is a known player who has fallen in love(wish him all happiness) made me realise something HUGE!

By constantly telling myself negative thoughts...be it love,beauty,wealth...I'm ending up looking at life in such a negative way. Yes crap happens. Yes its a part of life and lessons. I just never believe that we have to settle for simple answers like those...I feel the need to scrutinise everything that happens to me, good or bad...I have to analyse the why's, the who's....all this thinking has got me to the place where I'm all sorts: paranoid, low-self esteem, fear of not knowing..the list goes on. I especially always question myself. Is this me being a teenager? Am I going to look back at myself and laugh at my 'stupidness'?!?! I mean all the pain and what not, should I ignore it simply because I know I shall get over it in the future...?!

These type of questions go through my mind constantly and has led me to belief in so little of the world. Almost affecting my belief on God (who btw I always thought was the only one who truly loved) and how I saw His once beautiful world...

I have decided to try and be more positive. I have decided to lift myself from this dark place I put myself. I have decided to find hapiness the ways things are.

I am no longer a FatBlackMidget

But...
JustPreen©

Thought 9: Boy Best Buddies

Most people, believe or not say that hetrosexual female and male can never be truly friends. At one time or another, something happens.
I used to think that was all bull! I mean, take me(not a normal person, but there you go) in my early childhood, I grew up surrounded by boys, but I knew them as the smelly people who like to fight and kick. As I have grown, I always seem to have at least one guy who is always there. If you a girl, you know what I mean. That guy who you can talk about other guys with like he aint a guy! That guy who will back you, whatver the matter! It never occurred to me, when I was younger that being friends with a guy meant somehow you like each other and are going to discover it later in your teenage years or in your 30s when you discover you are with the wrong person...the person you are actually meant to be with is the one that has been with you during your lifelong journey!!

...Breathe...

 I mean, most girls always say that ' I prefer guys than girls' some of these girls don't even mean as friends, right? They'd rather be in a group of guys that wanna sleep with them than girls who just for sleepovers!

Now I think people don't really know the difference. Your ex-boyfriend suddenly becomes your best friend.( I'm hypocritically speaking here) I mean you just because there's no longer chemistry, does that mean, you can be 'best buddies' with someone who techinally if you were with him (in a relationship)before, then were you close friends right? Then whatever broke you up, good or bad, can u still have that bond, tht trust. Is it real trust, or just being civil for the sake of not wanting to 'hate' each other...This really baffles me!

Then there's a person you meet, then you become friends...As far as you know, there's no chemistry...but how can you be so sure that this person(now your besties!)is letting you call him/her friend because that's the only way, they will stay close to you...

Can(hetrosexual) girls and boys be friends with nothing ever happening, or is this another one for the movies?

FatBlackMidget©

Thought 8: The people in my head are telling me you dont like me

Recently I discovered that my levels of paranoia are increasingly high..but the weird thing is I'm really good at not showing it. Well at least I hope I am.
Everything I do, I feel someone is going to have a negative thought on it, nomatter how good it is.
I've always felt all my friends have a bad opinion of me, nomatter how much a good friend I am. I mean what kinda freak does that?!

I'll be talking to someone then I'll start thinking do they really give a f*** what I'm saying or they just being polite.

I'll be in a group of people and just think they don't want me there. I swear I see people looking at me weirdly, like why the heck are you doing here...

This has led to a number of dysfunctional friendships and relationships..but what's its even weirder is that I know I'm being paranoid. I know my friends don't really hate me (at least I hope) but I cannot help but think I'm liked less than I probably am. Even by strangers.

FatBlackMidget.©

Thought 7: How to be a Failure and Succeed

I really should write like a book on how to be a failure..tbh it'd be my life story. Yes you may think ''oh here goes another one thinking they never achieve anything in life'' when in fact I may have.

Since a long time now, I haven't been fully satisfied with who I am and what I have achieved. Ever since I stopped being 'African-A*-Girl' to 'Blank-Black-British' well all I hear from my parents is ' u cud have done better'...in nearly everything I do...in fact everything...from cleaning to education. There's always someone that apparently does better than me (my brother in the cleaning the kitchen department, although I must say I'm pretty good at toilets (yaay...)). I never thought remarks like that would get to me but they did. See being told all your friends are better than you and you should aim to be like them most of your life, well for me it just made me not want to anything. I used to be ambitious but all I ever thought (probably still think) is everyone else is going to be better than me in life so why should I bother trying.

I fail at everything.

I'm not school book clever.

I'm not street clever.

I’m (definitely) not fashion clever.

I’m not anything clever.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid.

I'm just not clever either.

There are times I wonder the purpose of my life. I mean fine I believe in God but does He hold the purpose to my life or is it in my hands since I have free will?

At this moment in time, I should have at least some kind of experience, work wise but funny I don't. Unless you count two weeks of unpaid waitressing when I was 14 good enough to put on CV. It’s not that I don't try, I really do. But apparently everyone seems to go to the places that actually have vacancies whilst I walk around asking just about anybody and everybody!

Throughout my life, there's not much I can say I have achieved. Never been a prefect(does helping prefects count?), never volunteered(besides strawberry fair),never won an award of significance, never went on a school trip, never won a prize(actually never won anything),never had a proper job, never came up with 'life' changing ideas...

Basically I'm a failure. I know I am one because I never do anything. At times I have great ideas for things but I am waaay to sacred to say them out in case people reject them. I know what you're thinking, why can't you just do it then you'll find out whether people like them or not, right? Well it’s not easy...I really do try and just say it, I mean I always say what's on my mind (well most of the time) so why not just say my ideas...to be honest...I have no idea...

So if you have learnt anything form this is that

I'm a happily depressed failure!

FatBlackMidget.©

 

Thought 6: My New Years Vows

At the beginning of the year, I vowed (to myself and others) that I would not get involved in people’s problems ever again. Even if they wanted me to.

You see for the past few years, I have been agony aunt to a lot of people but don’t get me wrong, I love it! I love knowing that no matter what someone goes through, they can count of me for confidential, okayish advice. I've always been that person that even strangers feel comfortable to yap about things they normally don't talk about with anyone (believe you me, it has happened maybe too many times). Apparently I am easy to talk to. Doesn’t that sound like a good friend.....:|

Well to be honest, I was fed up! Fed up of being just that. I felt so used by most of my 'friends' and to be honest, it turned out that it just that.

So yes, I told and told myself:

• NEVER AGAIN, would I sit up for hours listening to someone mourn about their life and expect me to find the solution to their mountain of problems!
• NEVER AGAIN would I be just an EAR, just there to listen, to burden you sad life stories to
• NEVER AGAIN would I find myself involved in people relationship problems (biggie...)

DID IT WORK?....

Well its July now and NO, it hasn’t! I find myself burdened with more problems than ever and why can’t I stop this madness...well cause I care about people....is that so wrong?
I can't seem to stop helping. I did not intend to stop caring for my friends, just not be just problem-solver...is that too much to ask for ?

FatBlackMidget.©

Thought 5: The beginning of the pain

Where were you then, where are you now.
You've been there my whole life
you've been there to tend my bruises
you've been there to pursue my dreams
but where were you when my heart was being stamped on

you used to say ''I’m always right''
I never voiced it but admit it not
I did believe you
You always said to follow in your footsteps
Yet somehow your footprints disappeared.

The scratches on my knee you could cure
the aches and pains on my body you could find medicine for
yet you did not see the tears as they ran down my face
or the pain inside my heart
you seemed blind and deaf to the silent cries that begged to be healed.

Was it so wrong to think of you the way I did
Was it so wrong to believe in you lime I did
I was better when I believed ''you were always right''
I was better when your footprints I could still see

in my eyes you could never be wrong
to me you were perfect
then you left
then u broke my heart
as if it was nothing
nothing at all

had you not seen that my love for you was irreplaceable
I know I never voiced it out
I know I will never get the chance 2 voice it out
iv tired
yet it seems blunt

I told myself be strong
they told me it has happened before
he has left before
but then I dint understand anything
now I understand something...your gone

What difference did it make
None.
The pain was there
you cheated.
You who could ''never do wrong''
You cheated.
On everyone.

I ended up feeling nothing.
Nothing.
At All.
No emotions.
Just tears that had escaped and ran down my cheek
Just tears that you were never there to wipe off.

The strength that I needed for the coming weeks...years
seemed to have vanished along with you
I should have known better
but how could have I
You were the only way I knew how to be a better person
yet you still went

they said I would get over it
it happened to other people
No.
It didn't.
It didn't happen to people like me.
No.
It shouldn't have.

They said I was young
the tears didn't matter
when I grew up I would laugh about it
How?
I was yes.
But don't the young have feelings as well?
Feelings that you obviously ignored.

You made me believe in God.
No.
I grew up believing in Him.
The Healer of all pain.

Maybe I stopped believing.
Maybe I just didn't care.
If God truly loved me so much...
Why is it that not only me but others
Suffer such emotional pain
It’s ignored by our own
yet as we cry to the One and Only Saviour.
We still are unstable.
Why?
The answer may be there
but reality is even more there.

You told me He could fix all things.
''All things are made possible though Christ''
I tried.
And tried.
I guess He was too busy to answer my calls

Yes the blessings are there
how can anyone ignore them.
Food.
Money.
Shelter.
But where are the things
that make the heart happy
not the ones that keep it pumping.
Isn't that more real?
More important?

I try not to envy other people's happiness
I really try
I tell myself they have problems as well
There's nothing that they have that I don't.
They may not parade their problems
Buy they have them.
It doesn't work
At all.

I try and find happiness in things that never last.
I try and live on the good memories
that are fading each and every day

Were are you when I need you the most?
Were are you when my heart is yearning for mending?

Yes this may not be the worst case ever.
But is this not my life?
Nobody has had to live through my happiness...or my pain
I've never had to live through other people neither
So the assurance that other people are suffering worse pain
It doesn't help.
Not at all.
There are wonderful people in my life
But without you in it
there’s a big hole

Where are you?

FatBlackMidget.©

Thought 4: FBM©

Fat
Everything about me is round.
Everything about me is big.
I think fat.
I eat fat.
Fat is me.

I'm a deep thinker.
I'm slow at times, (most times actually)
I dont stay at one place.
To be honest, im just fat.

Black.

I have dark thoughts.
i write dark poetry
i hate being in the dark.
i love being surrounded by night.

My skin is called black
Instant reaction is 'she african'
My skin shows where i have come from
My skin shows who i am.

(Im a chocolate colour actually)

Midget

I am pretty short.
My expectations of my self reflect this.
I have not achieved much.
My life aint worth writing a book about.

I dont see what ahead of me.
I prefer to be in my surroundings.
I seem to be young,
yet am actually older than I seem.

FatBlackMidget.©

Thought 3: "It happens to others as well"

Okay,

If your reading this, you're bound to have gotten past the age where you feel that you have experienced a lot in life.

You see what i dont like....actually scratch that. What i really hate about people's opinions when it comes to a bad situation that you happen to be in, when the following words utter from their mouths:

It doesn't only happen to you, it happens to other people

Why i hate it? Well simply because:
I am me. i can never be another person. i am sympathise, empthasize, whatever you want to call it. but bottom line is i will never be them.
telling me that another person has gone through worse situations does not help me with mine because im feeling crap about my situation, not another persons!
I mean serious, we should care about other peoples problems and that, i mean hello! that my speciality and downfall. But when its you, you feel like shite. you feel like the world is crashing down. i dont know about you but the last thing i want to hear when i am having a bad time, is someone has it worse cause at the end of the day we all go through different situations and cope with them differently.

FatBlackMidget.©

To you, from me.

I wrote this for my cousin who passed away on the 15/06/10 but in the view of his younger sister.

From when I was a child
Till I was a grown woman
From when I didn't understand
Till the time I understood more than I should

You were always there when I fell down
You were always there to say well done
You were always there to be a big brother
You were always there to be a good son.

The memories I have of you
Will remain
The memories I don't have of you
Won't matter

The people you love will not forget you
The people you love will celebrate your life
The people you love will forever love you.

I can only imagine what your mother feels
The pain of losing a child, what an ordeal
Remembering that you were once just a baby in her arms
Remembering the joy of bringing your little soul into the world

As the months went by, you were in pain
We must therefore remember that
We must therefore appreciate this tragedy
For the Lord knew, the pain
For the Lord knew you couldn't go on

We can only praise the Lord
We can only get on our knees
As the answers to our questions
The answers to our sadness
Are known only by Him

There shall come a time
Where we can release that bundle
Release those questions
Ask the Maker,the Giver of life
Why He let you be taken away.

'I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart'*


*quote from poem by Edward Estlin Cummings

FatBlackMidget.©

Thought 2: Friend or foe ?

Over the last decade of my life, i have come to the conlusion that i dont think i shall ever ever really honestly honestly know what a friend truly truly is!
Might seem like a strange notion to those(if any) who come across this.

....or Are They....

As I have travelled from different place, I have seen that there are some people who you shall ALWAYS have in your life. Then there are some who are there for different purposes, they dont last as long.

"At times we prefer to stay close to those who push us away the most"

You may be thinking....surely if someone is pushing me away...you would stay away right. But it seems that the good friends that are always there for us, the ones we use when we need them. Well we either dont realise that those are the true friends or when we do realise...well its not late but its not exatcly useful.

"friends are like the seasons. each season brings something new and diffeent. somr seasons you will like. some you wont. some you will want when they are not there. some you wish they didnt bother altogether"

Throughout my 'seasons' of friends i have found that in my life I have different friends. Most i can honestly say i love. Some i can trust. Hardly any i can truly talk my thoughts with....
More of my expriences with friends on later posts ;)

FatBlackMidget.©

Thought 1 intro: My first time

Wellll! Don't reallly know how to start this except...this is my first blog ever!! I feel quite proud to have lost my blog virginity as I have been ready for it for aaaaages!
Anywaaays not really sure whose gonna read this or whose actually gonna care buuut these blogs just gonna be evrything..stories poems songss ABOSULTLY anything off th top of my head!
I hope at least one person reads my blog and who knows it may change their liife!!


Okaaay I'm gonna start with the reasons why I'm given my blog virginity.
Besides being ready to of course.


I looooove writing..always have..always will!
I like the thought of pple knowing what's in my head also, but you seee..until now I've never had time to do anything let alone blog
I promised my year 9 teacher I'd finish a book I started and yeaaars on from, still haven't done much..:/
But yeah I've got a lot of free time lately and it dawned to me to start this!So here goes nothiiiinnng!! Hope you liikey :D

Lots of heaaart^^


FatBlackMidget.©
I am NOT however looking for attention or anything stupid like that when i write personal stuff. I dont believe anything stay hidden for long, so why hide my feelings, they going to come out one way or another, may as well be on a blog where i harm noone :)