Thought 8: The people in my head are telling me you dont like me

Recently I discovered that my levels of paranoia are increasingly high..but the weird thing is I'm really good at not showing it. Well at least I hope I am.
Everything I do, I feel someone is going to have a negative thought on it, nomatter how good it is.
I've always felt all my friends have a bad opinion of me, nomatter how much a good friend I am. I mean what kinda freak does that?!

I'll be talking to someone then I'll start thinking do they really give a f*** what I'm saying or they just being polite.

I'll be in a group of people and just think they don't want me there. I swear I see people looking at me weirdly, like why the heck are you doing here...

This has led to a number of dysfunctional friendships and relationships..but what's its even weirder is that I know I'm being paranoid. I know my friends don't really hate me (at least I hope) but I cannot help but think I'm liked less than I probably am. Even by strangers.

FatBlackMidget.©

Thought 7: How to be a Failure and Succeed

I really should write like a book on how to be a failure..tbh it'd be my life story. Yes you may think ''oh here goes another one thinking they never achieve anything in life'' when in fact I may have.

Since a long time now, I haven't been fully satisfied with who I am and what I have achieved. Ever since I stopped being 'African-A*-Girl' to 'Blank-Black-British' well all I hear from my parents is ' u cud have done better'...in nearly everything I do...in fact everything...from cleaning to education. There's always someone that apparently does better than me (my brother in the cleaning the kitchen department, although I must say I'm pretty good at toilets (yaay...)). I never thought remarks like that would get to me but they did. See being told all your friends are better than you and you should aim to be like them most of your life, well for me it just made me not want to anything. I used to be ambitious but all I ever thought (probably still think) is everyone else is going to be better than me in life so why should I bother trying.

I fail at everything.

I'm not school book clever.

I'm not street clever.

I’m (definitely) not fashion clever.

I’m not anything clever.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid.

I'm just not clever either.

There are times I wonder the purpose of my life. I mean fine I believe in God but does He hold the purpose to my life or is it in my hands since I have free will?

At this moment in time, I should have at least some kind of experience, work wise but funny I don't. Unless you count two weeks of unpaid waitressing when I was 14 good enough to put on CV. It’s not that I don't try, I really do. But apparently everyone seems to go to the places that actually have vacancies whilst I walk around asking just about anybody and everybody!

Throughout my life, there's not much I can say I have achieved. Never been a prefect(does helping prefects count?), never volunteered(besides strawberry fair),never won an award of significance, never went on a school trip, never won a prize(actually never won anything),never had a proper job, never came up with 'life' changing ideas...

Basically I'm a failure. I know I am one because I never do anything. At times I have great ideas for things but I am waaay to sacred to say them out in case people reject them. I know what you're thinking, why can't you just do it then you'll find out whether people like them or not, right? Well it’s not easy...I really do try and just say it, I mean I always say what's on my mind (well most of the time) so why not just say my ideas...to be honest...I have no idea...

So if you have learnt anything form this is that

I'm a happily depressed failure!

FatBlackMidget.©

 

Thought 6: My New Years Vows

At the beginning of the year, I vowed (to myself and others) that I would not get involved in people’s problems ever again. Even if they wanted me to.

You see for the past few years, I have been agony aunt to a lot of people but don’t get me wrong, I love it! I love knowing that no matter what someone goes through, they can count of me for confidential, okayish advice. I've always been that person that even strangers feel comfortable to yap about things they normally don't talk about with anyone (believe you me, it has happened maybe too many times). Apparently I am easy to talk to. Doesn’t that sound like a good friend.....:|

Well to be honest, I was fed up! Fed up of being just that. I felt so used by most of my 'friends' and to be honest, it turned out that it just that.

So yes, I told and told myself:

• NEVER AGAIN, would I sit up for hours listening to someone mourn about their life and expect me to find the solution to their mountain of problems!
• NEVER AGAIN would I be just an EAR, just there to listen, to burden you sad life stories to
• NEVER AGAIN would I find myself involved in people relationship problems (biggie...)

DID IT WORK?....

Well its July now and NO, it hasn’t! I find myself burdened with more problems than ever and why can’t I stop this madness...well cause I care about people....is that so wrong?
I can't seem to stop helping. I did not intend to stop caring for my friends, just not be just problem-solver...is that too much to ask for ?

FatBlackMidget.©

Thought 5: The beginning of the pain

Where were you then, where are you now.
You've been there my whole life
you've been there to tend my bruises
you've been there to pursue my dreams
but where were you when my heart was being stamped on

you used to say ''I’m always right''
I never voiced it but admit it not
I did believe you
You always said to follow in your footsteps
Yet somehow your footprints disappeared.

The scratches on my knee you could cure
the aches and pains on my body you could find medicine for
yet you did not see the tears as they ran down my face
or the pain inside my heart
you seemed blind and deaf to the silent cries that begged to be healed.

Was it so wrong to think of you the way I did
Was it so wrong to believe in you lime I did
I was better when I believed ''you were always right''
I was better when your footprints I could still see

in my eyes you could never be wrong
to me you were perfect
then you left
then u broke my heart
as if it was nothing
nothing at all

had you not seen that my love for you was irreplaceable
I know I never voiced it out
I know I will never get the chance 2 voice it out
iv tired
yet it seems blunt

I told myself be strong
they told me it has happened before
he has left before
but then I dint understand anything
now I understand something...your gone

What difference did it make
None.
The pain was there
you cheated.
You who could ''never do wrong''
You cheated.
On everyone.

I ended up feeling nothing.
Nothing.
At All.
No emotions.
Just tears that had escaped and ran down my cheek
Just tears that you were never there to wipe off.

The strength that I needed for the coming weeks...years
seemed to have vanished along with you
I should have known better
but how could have I
You were the only way I knew how to be a better person
yet you still went

they said I would get over it
it happened to other people
No.
It didn't.
It didn't happen to people like me.
No.
It shouldn't have.

They said I was young
the tears didn't matter
when I grew up I would laugh about it
How?
I was yes.
But don't the young have feelings as well?
Feelings that you obviously ignored.

You made me believe in God.
No.
I grew up believing in Him.
The Healer of all pain.

Maybe I stopped believing.
Maybe I just didn't care.
If God truly loved me so much...
Why is it that not only me but others
Suffer such emotional pain
It’s ignored by our own
yet as we cry to the One and Only Saviour.
We still are unstable.
Why?
The answer may be there
but reality is even more there.

You told me He could fix all things.
''All things are made possible though Christ''
I tried.
And tried.
I guess He was too busy to answer my calls

Yes the blessings are there
how can anyone ignore them.
Food.
Money.
Shelter.
But where are the things
that make the heart happy
not the ones that keep it pumping.
Isn't that more real?
More important?

I try not to envy other people's happiness
I really try
I tell myself they have problems as well
There's nothing that they have that I don't.
They may not parade their problems
Buy they have them.
It doesn't work
At all.

I try and find happiness in things that never last.
I try and live on the good memories
that are fading each and every day

Were are you when I need you the most?
Were are you when my heart is yearning for mending?

Yes this may not be the worst case ever.
But is this not my life?
Nobody has had to live through my happiness...or my pain
I've never had to live through other people neither
So the assurance that other people are suffering worse pain
It doesn't help.
Not at all.
There are wonderful people in my life
But without you in it
there’s a big hole

Where are you?

FatBlackMidget.©

Thought 4: FBM©

Fat
Everything about me is round.
Everything about me is big.
I think fat.
I eat fat.
Fat is me.

I'm a deep thinker.
I'm slow at times, (most times actually)
I dont stay at one place.
To be honest, im just fat.

Black.

I have dark thoughts.
i write dark poetry
i hate being in the dark.
i love being surrounded by night.

My skin is called black
Instant reaction is 'she african'
My skin shows where i have come from
My skin shows who i am.

(Im a chocolate colour actually)

Midget

I am pretty short.
My expectations of my self reflect this.
I have not achieved much.
My life aint worth writing a book about.

I dont see what ahead of me.
I prefer to be in my surroundings.
I seem to be young,
yet am actually older than I seem.

FatBlackMidget.©

Thought 3: "It happens to others as well"

Okay,

If your reading this, you're bound to have gotten past the age where you feel that you have experienced a lot in life.

You see what i dont like....actually scratch that. What i really hate about people's opinions when it comes to a bad situation that you happen to be in, when the following words utter from their mouths:

It doesn't only happen to you, it happens to other people

Why i hate it? Well simply because:
I am me. i can never be another person. i am sympathise, empthasize, whatever you want to call it. but bottom line is i will never be them.
telling me that another person has gone through worse situations does not help me with mine because im feeling crap about my situation, not another persons!
I mean serious, we should care about other peoples problems and that, i mean hello! that my speciality and downfall. But when its you, you feel like shite. you feel like the world is crashing down. i dont know about you but the last thing i want to hear when i am having a bad time, is someone has it worse cause at the end of the day we all go through different situations and cope with them differently.

FatBlackMidget.©