Thought 10: Finding Happiness Just As I Am :)

Okay.
I refuse to write anymore sad thoughts.
I refuse to put myself down.
I refuse to not love myself.
I refuse to keep rejecting.

For those who have been reading my slightly depressing thoughts. You will be happy to know, I've realised what l have been doing to myself. No I'm not going to be permanently writing happy thoughts, but just bringing the positiveness out of my negative thoughts.

A good friend of mine, Leigh-Anne when reading her blog, opened my eyes slightly to what negative thoughts I have been putting in my mind, then now passing them on to my readers(if any haha).

But then a person I never EVER EVER.......
expect to talk in such a deep level about love which I honestly believed it does not exist......

....no I did not fall in love with him...

...no I still stand firm on my belief...

But yes, this guy is a known player who has fallen in love(wish him all happiness) made me realise something HUGE!

By constantly telling myself negative thoughts...be it love,beauty,wealth...I'm ending up looking at life in such a negative way. Yes crap happens. Yes its a part of life and lessons. I just never believe that we have to settle for simple answers like those...I feel the need to scrutinise everything that happens to me, good or bad...I have to analyse the why's, the who's....all this thinking has got me to the place where I'm all sorts: paranoid, low-self esteem, fear of not knowing..the list goes on. I especially always question myself. Is this me being a teenager? Am I going to look back at myself and laugh at my 'stupidness'?!?! I mean all the pain and what not, should I ignore it simply because I know I shall get over it in the future...?!

These type of questions go through my mind constantly and has led me to belief in so little of the world. Almost affecting my belief on God (who btw I always thought was the only one who truly loved) and how I saw His once beautiful world...

I have decided to try and be more positive. I have decided to lift myself from this dark place I put myself. I have decided to find hapiness the ways things are.

I am no longer a FatBlackMidget

But...
JustPreen©

Thought 8: The people in my head are telling me you dont like me

Recently I discovered that my levels of paranoia are increasingly high..but the weird thing is I'm really good at not showing it. Well at least I hope I am.
Everything I do, I feel someone is going to have a negative thought on it, nomatter how good it is.
I've always felt all my friends have a bad opinion of me, nomatter how much a good friend I am. I mean what kinda freak does that?!

I'll be talking to someone then I'll start thinking do they really give a f*** what I'm saying or they just being polite.

I'll be in a group of people and just think they don't want me there. I swear I see people looking at me weirdly, like why the heck are you doing here...

This has led to a number of dysfunctional friendships and relationships..but what's its even weirder is that I know I'm being paranoid. I know my friends don't really hate me (at least I hope) but I cannot help but think I'm liked less than I probably am. Even by strangers.

FatBlackMidget.©