**Warning: Very personal indeed**
I don't know what possessed me to do this but I feel its the only way I can get things of my chest.
I'm done.
I'm done listening to your lies.
I'm done trying to be the best friend I can be to you.
All for nothing.
I get that you have a lot on your plate.
I have never ever disregarded that...
But I am sick and tired of trying to understand what exactly makes you act the way you do.
To the point where I don't know who you are anymore...
I don't think you have ever understood just how much you actually hurt not only me but others around you. Yet it doesn't seem to actually have any effect on you.
Don't get me wrong. I don't hate you. I never will. You are not a bad person. You are one of the most kind people that I know, always thinking of other before yourself. Yet the big major issue: Boys ?!
I hate that your situation with boys seem to come in between us...as if that's all being friends with you is about.
I don't actually want to go on about this. I'm done with you and your guys...I'll never understand why you can't just let guys really like you without you feeling like you have to be in a relationship with any of them. When will you give yourself a chance to be yourself without belonging to anyone else? But hey, that's you...not me.
Maybe its the desire to understand people that has kept me near you. Maybe I'm just a fool. Anyone who has been through most of what myself and others have been through with you, would have at least hated you or something. But I can never and will never bring myself to do that. Its not my point. And will never be.
But all I really want to say is that, you won't see me making any effort anymore to catch up on your life. I'm not a drama-seeking person, as interesting as life can be with drama...I don't wish to create more drama..because that's what I'd end up doing. Just like I talked to your ex..I'd end up wanting to do all that...and looking like a fool when you still go back to all your exes...
I guess we will always be friends that had great memories with one and who knows, maybe one day we might be the best of friends again. Maybe one day, I'll trust you again.
It feels like I'm saying I don't want to be friends you but all it is is...next time you want someone to talk to...even though it is already like this...just know I can't be there for you. I want to be...but I can't do it. And don't think its easy for me to do this. I feel to stop myself from even sending this to you...but I need to let go of you..I've held on too long for a perfect friendship that not only died a long time ago..but actually isn't perfect at all. Sometimes I feel like its also because you and **** are cousins that I still feel that I have to be close to you.
But no. I know you feel that **** also plays around with guys just as much. No point denying it. Its what I'm surrounded with. Maybe that's the way girls do these days...what would I know after all...
But the difference is, she doesn't let it affect our friendship...in fact I'm barely involved in what goes on with her relationship with boys...to the extent where I feel involved if anything bad happens between them. Whether she tells other people instead...I'm fine with that. But with you...you can't keep things that happen to you to yourself...not in a bad way but because it affects you in such a way that everyone gets involved...if that makes sense.
Please don't think by using *** as an example, I'm comparing whose a better friend. This triangle thing, I'll never understand. You guys are family. You have a bond, I cannot and DO NOT wish to break. I'm friends with both of you for different reasons...and I don't like feeling as if I have to explain why I'm close to either of you.
I hate the feeling that after reading this, I've exposed feelings that were best kept hidden. That I should leave things the way the are...this is how I lose people after all...I tell them how I feel and they bail...maybe I should stop doing it. But what am I supposed to do with all these feelings inside me...bubbling inside of me. Talk to other people about it? I doubt you'd like me saying any of these things to other people...I wouldn't either.
So I'm sorry if I hurt you so much that you wish to never speak to me again. I would understand. People leave in my life all the time. Its a habit I can't break. But I don't know what else to say you to wake you up from this life you are creating for yourself. I can't 'fix' you. And that's a problem cause you know I'm a fixer. And obsessed one I guess. I know you can't fix everything, I'm not naïve. But I have no idea what else to do or say expect everything written here.
Yet again.
I'm sorry.
Love you always.
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