Thought 7: How to be a Failure and Succeed

I really should write like a book on how to be a failure..tbh it'd be my life story. Yes you may think ''oh here goes another one thinking they never achieve anything in life'' when in fact I may have.

Since a long time now, I haven't been fully satisfied with who I am and what I have achieved. Ever since I stopped being 'African-A*-Girl' to 'Blank-Black-British' well all I hear from my parents is ' u cud have done better'...in nearly everything I do...in fact everything...from cleaning to education. There's always someone that apparently does better than me (my brother in the cleaning the kitchen department, although I must say I'm pretty good at toilets (yaay...)). I never thought remarks like that would get to me but they did. See being told all your friends are better than you and you should aim to be like them most of your life, well for me it just made me not want to anything. I used to be ambitious but all I ever thought (probably still think) is everyone else is going to be better than me in life so why should I bother trying.

I fail at everything.

I'm not school book clever.

I'm not street clever.

I’m (definitely) not fashion clever.

I’m not anything clever.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid.

I'm just not clever either.

There are times I wonder the purpose of my life. I mean fine I believe in God but does He hold the purpose to my life or is it in my hands since I have free will?

At this moment in time, I should have at least some kind of experience, work wise but funny I don't. Unless you count two weeks of unpaid waitressing when I was 14 good enough to put on CV. It’s not that I don't try, I really do. But apparently everyone seems to go to the places that actually have vacancies whilst I walk around asking just about anybody and everybody!

Throughout my life, there's not much I can say I have achieved. Never been a prefect(does helping prefects count?), never volunteered(besides strawberry fair),never won an award of significance, never went on a school trip, never won a prize(actually never won anything),never had a proper job, never came up with 'life' changing ideas...

Basically I'm a failure. I know I am one because I never do anything. At times I have great ideas for things but I am waaay to sacred to say them out in case people reject them. I know what you're thinking, why can't you just do it then you'll find out whether people like them or not, right? Well it’s not easy...I really do try and just say it, I mean I always say what's on my mind (well most of the time) so why not just say my ideas...to be honest...I have no idea...

So if you have learnt anything form this is that

I'm a happily depressed failure!

FatBlackMidget.©