You4: The words you will never read

I miss you. 
I will always love you. 
I wish we could be close again. 
But I know it's not possible. 
At least I don't think it is.
I wish I could carry on blaming myself. 
But no.
I refuse to. 
You are a selfish, hurtful person. 
You hurt me in the little things you did. 
In the expectation that the world revolves around you and what you want.  
What you do is unbelievable. 
What's worse is that everyone lets you. 
Everyone lets you walk all over them.
Simply because you are pretty charming.
You play the damsel in distress quite well, I should applaud you.
You pry on the innocent souls who don't know that your bite cuts so deep, it leaves scars.

I could write all day about the things that you are. 

I once fooled myself into thinking that maybe I was jealous of your outward appearance, diminishing my own. 
But I realised that its nothing. 
If that's all you will ever have. 
Then ill take my warts, moles and be content. 
All my life I have believed that if I could be just like you and others. 
Walking around attracting bees to what is eventually poisonous honey. 
Then that would be it. 
I would be satisfied. Happy. 

I know most of that thinking came from my own insecurities. 
Which funnily enough. 
You were the one person that helped me get over them. 
Or at least take a step to.
 I remember the days I would hear what a horrid person you are. 
But no. 
I had to experience it for myself. 
I had to believe that there was more to you than those rumours about a girl who back then, with one stern look, would bring even the strongest of fighters down to the ground. 
We both changed each other when we got to know one another. 
You learnt to smile. That's one thing I can take credit for I guess.

But your unwillingness to be the one that asks for forgiveness amazes me. 
When you know you are in the wrong... 
You seem to refuse to acknowledge it. 

You say you don't have a lot of close friends, like myself. 
Yet you never make effort. 
You never make effort. 
You never make effort. 
With me.
Or people like me. 
I don't know which.
I always felt like you had more time to make effort with others except me.
If you did have time for me, it was always really about you.
Or when money is involved.
When it came to me, there was never time.
I moved away. 
Yet to this day.
You have never set foot anywhere near.
I wanted to say this to you and you only.
But the problem is I have been waiting for some sort of sympathy or apology or acknowledgement that you hurt me, from you for so long. 
I feel like everyone else but you should at least know how you made me feel. 
How you make me feel. 

Yet besides all this. 
If you say the word.
I will jump.  
Why am I like this. 
Why do I still care. 
Why do I still want to be used by you. 
Because that's your speciality. 
Using people. 
I know I live in the past a lot.
That's my issue. 
I wish I could know for sure that you at least know what you did. 
Do you ? 
Do you? 
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID ?

Call me a fool

Call me a fool
Call me an idiot
Call me whatever names you think of
But why does it seem like its just me
Why is it do hard to find that friend that is actually loyal
I know everyone lets you down in some way or another
But why does it happen to me all the time
I try and think of all the great things that happen in my life
I know them
I'm grateful for them
But sometimes all I want it someone who listens
Someone who understands
Someone who won't let me down
Someone who knows there are times I just don't want to talk to anybody
There are times I just want to be by myself
Then there are times I really need a friend
A friend that can understand me with so little words
A friend that is always always going to be there no matter what
Someone that sticks to their promises
Someone that won't run away when things get tough
Someone that doesnt mind that I'm clingy
Sometimes that I understands that I easily depend
I easily trust
I easily get misled
Sometime that can point me in the right direction
Make all the right decisions for me
In fact make all the decisions for me
Someone I can hug and cuddle all night without it leading to anything
Someone that doesn't mind holding me telling me everything is going to be ok and I'll believe them because it's true
Someone I can tell about my past without feeling like I'm exposing myself in the worst way
Without feeling like I'm a piece of furniture with no feelings

Does such a friend exist ?
Am I wishing on stones ?
All I want is the perfect friend.
So call me a fool if that's too much I'm asking for.